Don’t be afraid, for I am with you.
Don’t be discouraged, for I am your God.
I will strengthen you and help you.
I will hold you up with my victorious right hand. - Isaiah 41:10
Have you ever just been where you go through so much Big Hard stuff and seem okay, then the smallest thing feels like the last straw?
That happened to me a couple weeks ago.
There's been much upheaval in my life as of late. Mostly it's been internal upheaval, and it seems that's the hardest to play nice with. But I was hanging in, ya know?
I prayed my way through new big health issues. I was carried along by friends and family as I adjusted to new normals... again. I sailed on mostly smooth seas through the valley of that ominous shadow. And I was still hopeful. Still brave. Still shuffling forward a centimeter at a time.
And then it happened.
I printed off some color sheets that I was excited to color and send to friends. Brian even bought me new colored pencils with pointy tips. I spent a few minutes just admiring them. Then I started to color. I colored 5 blocks. Five small blocks. And my arms started hurting. I mean really hurting. My vision was blurry for 2 hours after I had stopped coloring.
Earlier in that week, I had fallen a few times. I had admitted to myself that I have to stop trying to learn the guitar because between my brain and my fingers, it's just an impossible task. And now I find that I can't even color.
It's coloring, people. Who can't color? Preschoolers color, for mercy's sake!
And that's when the world just crumbled around me. I didn't sleep for 2 nights, out of sheer overwhelming hopelessness. I tried reminding myself of all that I can do, of all that I have been blessed with... I mean, my first book is being printed as we speak. How can I be so discouraged when God is still working in such big ways through my brokenness??? Seriously!
Well, I'll tell you what. It's because being broken hurts. It's hard. Some days I find it laughable that people would find hope in my words.
And then... then, God...
He reminds me.
When we arrived in Macedonia, there was no rest for us. We faced conflict from every direction, with battles on the outside and fear on the inside. But God, who encourages those who are discouraged, encouraged us by the arrival of Titus. His presence was a joy, but so was the news he brought of the encouragement he received from you. When he told us how much you long to see me, and how sorry you are for what happened, and how loyal you are to me, I was filled with joy! - 2 Corinthians 7:5-7
Battles on the outside and fear on the inside.
That pretty much sums it up, doesn't it?
God reminds me that He will encourage me. He will encourage us all. This brief moment in time when all I feel is the breaking apart and the falling away and the suffocation of being buried among the ruin, this moment is not the end.
And so for now I will lay it all down and cry for a while. I will rest in His arms and let Him take care of me. Because I want to be ready when encouragement arrives. I want to have grieved so that I can relish the joy that is already on the way.
Are you having a crumble day? Just rest, Dear One. Hope is coming.
Dear Lord, some days I am just so done. The battles and the fears just keep coming and sometimes I just need encouragement. Thank You for always providing so perfectly, whether it be comfort or hope. I'll take a little of both, please. In Jesus' Name, Amen...
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May God Bless You,