The earth was formless and empty, and darkness covered the deep waters. And the Spirit of God was hovering over the surface of the waters. – Genesis 1:2
When I was in college, my friends and I spent a lot of time at a nearby lake. It was a beautiful place and I loved the water. There was this one side that was “our spot”…. the rock ledges just slowly lowered down into the water in a gradual way until you got a good ways out into the lake. That was as far as I would go, though.
See, when you swam out past that last ledge, there was nothing. The water just opened up and the floor dropped away and suddenly you were perched and vulnerable over this dark maw of nothing. It seemed to have no end, and it absolutely terrified me. Terrified. I couldn’t even breathe for a few seconds when I tried to look down at it through my goggles.
I’ve been reminded of that lake these few months. The way that maw made me feel when it opened up under me without warning… the way it seemed to threaten to swallow me up… that is the way it feels when I try and process the fact that I have Primary Lateral Sclerosis.
Honestly, I’ve been running from it, which is totally unlike me. I’ve prayed and prayed for so many years, for a diagnosis and for answers that explain what has been happening to me. I longed for that more than I longed for anything else, even healing. Now that I have it, I’m just moving on and acting like it’s no big deal. How weird is that?
I can’t even tell you why it’s happening! It’s not conscious, and I don’t feel like I’m doing it with any sort of purpose. Everyone around me is watching me and there’s great concern in their gaze. They are waiting for it to sink in, I can tell. Each time I look up and see them, I smile and wave so they’ll know that I’m just fine. Silly people, of course I’m fine!
But I’m not. And they’re not the silly ones.
And so I think I’m ready to dip my toes into the water now. I’ll stay right here on this first ledge. The water only reaches my calves, but I know that maw is out there. It’s mocking me.
God help me, because He’s the only One who can.
Dear God, I’m ready to start facing reality now. Forgive me for keeping my fingers in my ears for so long. Thank You for the grace and the mercy. And for the strength You willingly give me for the journey. In Jesus’ Name, Amen…
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